My cute Pumpkins!!

I grew two pumpkins this year in my garden!! One pumpkin, (in front of nicholas) was growing on top of the fence! For weeks when it was so little I wondered and wondered how it ever got up there and started to grow. It grew bigger and bigger, finally I said Shawn go get that pumpkin that grew on top of the fence and put it down before it falls and breaks. He finally told me that he was the one who put it on top! When we went to get it, it was stuck. It took alot of pushing to get it off!! Silly Shawn!!

Taking out the garbage............

 So this summer seems to have been quite the rough one for me, at least emotionally. With the news of a couple of loved ones who are going through rough times, it seemed to make me look into my own life and realize that I just can't live like this anymore. There was some "garbage" that I have been keeping and I decided it was time to "clean" it up and take it out!! I have kept these things to myself for so long. I tried several different times with different Bishops to take care of this issue but every time I chickened out. In fact this time I did too, however the 2nd counselor called me at home and told me to come back and like the good little girl I always do as I am told, I did. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Talking about yourself is not as fun and easy as you may think, at least not when you have "garbage" to deal with. It took a couple of visits to very, kind, loving and patient Bishop, but I managed to "rid" myself of a lot of "garbage" I have. I don't even know if "rid" would be the right word. I still have it, but it feels so much lighter and not as stinky! It did feel as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Finally someone who knows and who can help me "clean" it up. Someone who can help me understand it and help me feel better about it. I did feel so sorry for the Bishop whom I decided to unload or dump my garbage on. I guess that's what they are there for right? I must say it took a lot of convincing from the Bishop to go see a counselor or therapist to "heal" myself. Funny thing is, I thought I would go once and be done. Yeah right! Who was I kidding. Going to the therapist has proven to be so beneficial to me. No, it hasn't been easy, No, it hasn't solved all my problems. It has helped so much just to talk about how I am feeling and how I have been looking at things. The therapist really has a way of knowing exactly how I am feeling and what I am thinking. He has helped me to see the ways I've been thinking and how it may not be right. He has helped me to validate things that happened and to realize how young and vulnerable I really was. I blamed myself for things that I didn't even fully understand or had no control over. Although, getting rid of some of the "garbage" seemed to bring up a whole set of different issue I had not ever validated or realized. Still, it has been a very good experience and extremely helpful to me. There are things that still seem so hopeless to me and at times I feel so down. I am realizing that I am in charge of how I feel. If I want to, I can sit and wallow in self pity, or I can feel happy, irritated or angry. I am the one who is in charge. I am the one who decides. I think I have always looked to other people to make me happy. I need to learn to "BE" the one who makes myself happy and to "BE" the one who loves me. How can you expect someone to love you if you don't even know how to yourself? That is what I hope to accomplish and learn, because right now I don't.

Lucky or Blessed?

The other day I just happened to get on facebook at the right time! I saw a contest on FM100. It said like this page and email us for a chance to see "The Piano Guys"!!! Wahoo. I had actually entered the contest weeks prior but didn't win them. Here was another chance. I didn't think much of it because I never win anything! Well, I entered and I won!!! I won two tickets for "The Piano Guys" concert that was playing that night!! Their concert was even being filmed for a PBS special that will air in December!!
Here is the really "Blessed" part of the story. I have been depressed (that's no secret if you follow my blog) I have been walking at night to help clear my thoughts and to help me feel emotionally better. The only music that I would listen to were "The Piano Guys"!! Their music just seemed to calm my spirit and help bring peace. Madison loves The piano guys too! In fact she is the one who told me all about them. She has been practicing the piano so hard to learn to play "Waterfall" by Jon Schmidt. Her therapist just told me to do whatever I can to get her to a Piano Guys concert. I'm thinking, yeah right! I don't have money for that! Hello!!! We were so lucky or blessed to have won these tickets!! The concert was so awesome! I loved it!!! It was at the Red Butte Gardens. I had never been there so I was unprepared for how cold it would be that night. Luckily, Shawn's uncle was there and he gave me a blanket to use! How sweet was that!! It was such an amazing night, one I will never forget!! Thank you!!!
*Sad thing is, we totally saw Steve Sharp Nelson at the opening of City Creek and we didn't even know who he was! That might have been our only chance to see him up close and personal...bummer.

And so it begins..................

And so it begins....the year I have been dreading!!!Oh My!!! I am so not ready for this!!! Help!! This is Scott's last year, yes I said LAST year of high school!! Help! when did this happen?! I feel like he should only be a sophomore or if anything a junior...not a senior!! What am I going to do? Not only is Scott a senior and enjoying his last year of high school, my baby is going to kindergarten!!! Help again! What am I going to do without my little Nicky!!! I love having my kids around me and knowing exactly what is going on. I love making sure that they are safe by my side. This is going to be quite the challenging year for me. I'm going to have to cute loose some of the apron strings I have on both of them. I just hope they both still need their Mommy.

20 years!!

Happy Anniversary!! 20 years!

I asked Shawn if he could see what our life would be like in 20 years would he still marry me......We both had the same awnser. lol

Today

Today feels like a great day to Jump!! I feel as though I am on the edge of a cliff and jumping is looking pretty damn good right now!!..................................but I won't.

ok nobody panic (as if anyone actually reads this blog anyways) I would never do it! Besides, I'm afraid of heights!

Change

I have been depressed lately. It seems as though every aspect of my life is changing. To some, they welcome change, they embrace it and even get excited about it. To me I hate changes. I don't deal with them well. This school year is a big one! Nick will be starting Kindergarten, which I'm not ready for him to leave me, I love having him home with me. Scott will be a senior in High School!! I'm not ready for that either!! My neighbors are moving today and that is really making me sad!! I'm going to miss them, oh you say that you'll still see each other and that you will keep in touch, but you don't. I won't be working at the Preschool this coming year and I didn't realize how much I am going to miss it.  I loved hanging with Miriam and Kim and I loved that kids loved me and get excited to see me. I go walking morning and at night to try and clear my mind and it just doesn't seem to work. I sometimes think how easy it would be to run out in front of a car on 50 west, but I never would.  Hello people, I am not even excited to listen to my Donny music!!!!!! I skip over his songs and just play The Piano Guys!! Now you know there is definitely something wrong there!

Ok seriously, Look how many times I wrote I!! Maybe if I stop thinking about myself all the time and worry about someone else I might forget about my troubles. Then again, I have been worrying about someone close to me so much that it has really made me so sad.

A couple of weeks ago we had a lesson in church from the Bishop about "Being Present". To tell you the truth, I was in a bad mood and didn't understand what he was talking about. I came home to work on the RS email and realized I need a quote or something from his lesson to put in. Well I began researching what it really meant in "Being Present". Lets just say, I had a light bulb moment! I totally got it, I understood what he was talking about. I must be a slow learner! While I have been so sad and worried about things from the past or things going to happen in the future, I'm missing out on my right NOW! Although I'm still sad, I'm a little less sad and worried. I'm trying to enjoy each day as they come. I do not want to miss out on Nick's first year of school or Scott's last year, because I'm sad about. I'm not saying I'm going to embrace change, however I'm going to accept it and be present for it.

PS  I'm starting to listen to a few of my favorite songs from Donny, that's a good sign isn't it?!!!