My mother in law called me up the other day and asked me if I would like to go to the temple with her. I tried to find excuses why I couldn't go, but she was not taking no for an answer.I knew I had to go. There has always been an issue with me and the Temple. I have never really felt worthy to go. I have been working on some issues I have and with some help, I remind myself that I am worthy. No one is perfect, we all are here trying to improve ourselves as best as we can. I did have a panic attack. The Temple scares me, I feel like I do everything wrong. This time I had some encouragement and felt like I can do it! I went and we did initiatorys. I did have a peaceful feeling and felt like a renewal, a new beginning.I think I may have a new outlook on going to the Temple.I really needed to be there and to hear those things. It truly was wonderful!
I have been bugging Scott all freakin year to get his Eagle project picked out and done. Well we found one, A Bike Rodeo for Columbia Elementary!! IT was a lot of work, but Scott did great. I was impressed that he was able to take command at the Bike Rodeo. I am just so glad that it is done and all the dang paperwork is done and we have 5 days to spare til he is 18!!
I grew two pumpkins this year in my garden!! One pumpkin, (in front of nicholas) was growing on top of the fence! For weeks when it was so little I wondered and wondered how it ever got up there and started to grow. It grew bigger and bigger, finally I said Shawn go get that pumpkin that grew on top of the fence and put it down before it falls and breaks. He finally told me that he was the one who put it on top! When we went to get it, it was stuck. It took alot of pushing to get it off!! Silly Shawn!!
So this summer seems to have been quite the rough one for me, at least emotionally. With the news of a couple of loved ones who are going through rough times, it seemed to make me look into my own life and realize that I just can't live like this anymore. There was some "garbage" that I have been keeping and I decided it was time to "clean" it up and take it out!! I have kept these things to myself for so long. I tried several different times with different Bishops to take care of this issue but every time I chickened out. In fact this time I did too, however the 2nd counselor called me at home and told me to come back and like the good little girl I always do as I am told, I did. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Talking about yourself is not as fun and easy as you may think, at least not when you have "garbage" to deal with. It took a couple of visits to very, kind, loving and patient Bishop, but I managed to "rid" myself of a lot of "garbage" I have. I don't even know if "rid" would be the right word. I still have it, but it feels so much lighter and not as stinky! It did feel as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Finally someone who knows and who can help me "clean" it up. Someone who can help me understand it and help me feel better about it. I did feel so sorry for the Bishop whom I decided to unload or dump my garbage on. I guess that's what they are there for right? I must say it took a lot of convincing from the Bishop to go see a counselor or therapist to "heal" myself. Funny thing is, I thought I would go once and be done. Yeah right! Who was I kidding. Going to the therapist has proven to be so beneficial to me. No, it hasn't been easy, No, it hasn't solved all my problems. It has helped so much just to talk about how I am feeling and how I have been looking at things. The therapist really has a way of knowing exactly how I am feeling and what I am thinking. He has helped me to see the ways I've been thinking and how it may not be right. He has helped me to validate things that happened and to realize how young and vulnerable I really was. I blamed myself for things that I didn't even fully understand or had no control over. Although, getting rid of some of the "garbage" seemed to bring up a whole set of different issue I had not ever validated or realized. Still, it has been a very good experience and extremely helpful to me. There are things that still seem so hopeless to me and at times I feel so down. I am realizing that I am in charge of how I feel. If I want to, I can sit and wallow in self pity, or I can feel happy, irritated or angry. I am the one who is in charge. I am the one who decides. I think I have always looked to other people to make me happy. I need to learn to "BE" the one who makes myself happy and to "BE" the one who loves me. How can you expect someone to love you if you don't even know how to yourself? That is what I hope to accomplish and learn, because right now I don't.